By JOSE ANTonIO VARGAS
Published: June 22, 2011


One August morning nearly two decades ago, my mother woke me and put me in a cab. She handed me a jacket. “Baka malamig doon” were among the few words she said. (“It might be cold there.”) When I arrived at the Philippines’ Ninoy Aquino International Airport with her, my aunt and a family friend, I was introduced to a man I’d never seen. They told me he was my uncle. He held my hand as I boarded an airplane for the first time. It was 1993, and I was 12.
大約20年前的一個8月清晨，母親把我搖醒送上車，塞給我一件外套，叮囑道“那邊可能會很冷。”她和嬸姨以及我們的一個家族朋友把我帶到菲律賓尼諾阿奎諾國際機場，并把我介紹給一個陌生人，說是我叔叔。叔叔牽著我的手登機，這是我平生第一次坐上大飛機。那是1993年，我12歲。


My mother wanted to give me a better life, so she sent me thousands of miles away to live with her parents in America — my grandfather (Lolo in Tagalog) and grandmother (Lola). After I arrived in Mountain View, Calif., in the San Francisco Bay Area, I entered sixth grade and quickly grew to love my new home, family and culture. I discovered a passion for language, though it was hard to learn the difference between formal English and American slang. One of my early memories is of a freckled kid in middle school asking me, “What'sup ? ” I replied, “The sky,” and he and a couple of other kids laughed. I won the eighth-grade spelling bee by memorizing words I couldn’t properly pronounce. (The winning word was “indefatigable.”)
母親想給我一個更好的生活，所以她把我送到萬里之外的美國，去和她父母，也就是我爺爺（Lolo）和奶奶（Lola）同住。于是我來到了舊金山的山景城，在那邊讀6年紀，并很快的愛上了我的新屋子，新家庭和新文化。盡管分不清標準英語和美國俚語，但我發現我對語言非常著迷。我還記得當年有個滿臉雀斑的中學生在跟我打招呼時說，“干哈啊？”（直譯：上面是啥），我回他，“是天啊”，他和其他孩子大笑。后來我還贏得過8年紀的拼寫比賽，很多詞我都念不準，但都知道怎么拼。（決定勝負的最后一個單詞是“不屈不饒”。）


One day when I was 16, I rode my bike to the nearby D.M.V. office to get my driver’s permit. Some of my friends already had their licenses, so I figured it was time. But when I handed the clerk my green card as proof of U.S. residency, she flipped it around, examining it. “This is fake,” she whispered. “Don’t come back here again.”
16歲那年，我騎著自行車到附近的DMV辦公室取駕照。當時朋友中有很多已經有駕照了，所以我覺得也是時候了。但是，當我把我的綠卡交給辦事員以證明我是美國居民時，她把綠卡翻來覆去的檢查著。“這是假的，”她說“別再來了。”


Confused and scared, I pedaled home and confronted Lolo. I remember him sitting in the garage, cutting coupons. I dropped my bike and ran over to him, showing him the green card. “Peke ba ito?” I asked in Tagalog. (“Is this fake?”) My grandparents were naturalized American citizens — he worked as a security guard, she as a food server — and they had begun supporting my mother and me financially when I was 3, after my father’s wandering eye and inability to properly provide for us led to my parents’ separation. Lolo was a proud man, and I saw the shame on his face as he told me he purchased the card, along with other fake documents, for me. “Don’t show it to other people,” he warned.
我感到既苦惱又害怕，踏上自行車回家質問爺爺。我記得他當時在車庫里坐著剪購物卷。我把自行車一摔，跑過去把綠卡伸到他眼前，“這是假的嗎？”我用Tagalog語問他。我的爺爺奶奶是個土生土長的美國人——爺爺是保全，奶奶是全職主婦——從我3歲時起就開始資助我母親和我了，當時母親因為父親整天游手好閑，沒有能力照顧家庭而與他離了婚。爺爺是個很有自尊心的人，他臉上全是愧疚，他告訴我卡是他買的，還有其他假證件，都是為我買的。“別給別人看，”他警告到。


I decided then that I could never give anyone reason to doubt I was an American. I convinced myself that if I worked enough, if I achieved enough, I would be rewarded with citizenship. I felt I could earn it.
從那時起我決定不再給任何人理由來懷疑我是美國人。我告訴自己只要努力工作，有所成就，我就也可以獲得公民身份，我能行的。


I’ve tried. Over the past 14 years, I’ve graduated from high school and college and built a career as a journalist, interviewing some of the most famous people in the country. On the surface, I’ve created a good life. I’ve lived the American dream.
我的確嘗試過。在過去的14年里，我順利的從高中和大學畢業，成為一名記者，采訪過許多知名人士。表面上，我過得很好。我活在美國夢里。


But I am still an undocumented immigrant. And that means living a different kind of reality. It means going about my day in fear of being found out. It means rarely trusting people, even those closest to me, with who I really am. It means keeping my family photos in a shoebox rather than displaying them on shelves in my home, so friends don’t ask about them. It means reluctantly, even painfully, doing things I know are wrong and unlawful. And it has meant relying on a sort of 21st-century underground railroad of supporters, people who took an interest in my future and took risks for me.
但我仍舊是一名非法移民。這意味著另一種全然不同的人生現實，比如每天擔心被人發現；比如不能相信他人，即使是在真實生活中與我很親近的人；比如要把家庭照片藏在鞋盒子里，而不能放在家里的書架上展示，這樣朋友來了才不會多問；比如極不情愿的，甚至非常痛苦的做一些明知道是錯的和違法的事；還意味著必須依靠他人，比如那些在暗中支持我的人，他們看好我的未來，也替我冒了許多風險。


Last year I read about four students who walked from Miami to Washington to lobby for the Dream Act, a nearly decade-old immigration bill that would provide a path to legal permanent residency for young people who have been educated in this country. At the risk of deportation — the Obama administration has deported almost 800,000 people in the last two years — they are speaking out. Their courage has inspired me.
去年我獲悉有四名學生從邁阿密出發，前往華盛頓游說所謂的夢想法案。該移民法案出臺已將近10年，旨在為那些在美國接受教育的年輕人提供合法的永久居住權。冒著被驅逐出境的風險——奧巴馬政府在過去兩年內已經驅逐了近80萬人——他們要發出自己的聲音。他們的勇氣鼓舞了我。


There are believed to be 11 million undocumented immigrants in the United States. We’re not always who you think we are. Some pick your strawberries or care for your children. Some are in high school or college. And some, it turns out, write news articles you might read. I grew up here. This is my home. Yet even though I think of myself as an American and consider America my country, my country doesn’t think of me as one of its own.
據估計，全美大約有1千1百萬名非法移民。我們有時并不是你平時所認識的那個人。我們有些人跟你一起摘過草莓或幫你照看過孩子。有些人在上高中或大學。還有些人，后來，在寫你所讀多的新聞報道。我在這里長大，這里是我的家。但盡管我覺得自己是美國人，把美國當成自己的祖國，但我的祖國并不這么看。

My first challenge was the language. Though I learned English in the Philippines, I wanted to lose my accent. During high school, I spent hours at a time watching television (especially “Frasier,” “Home Improvement” and reruns of “The Golden Girls”) and movies (from “Goodfellas” to “Anne of Green Gables”), pausing the VHS to try to copy how various characters enunciated their words. At the local library, I read magazines, books and newspapers — anything to learn how to write better. Kathy Dewar, my high-school English teacher, introduced me to journalism. From the moment I wrote my first article for the student paper, I convinced myself that having my name in print — writing in English, interviewing Americans — validated my presence here.
語言是我遇到的第一個挑戰。盡管我在菲律賓學過英語，但我想把口音改掉。在上高中時，我曾經一次要看好幾個小時的電視（尤其是“歡樂一家親”，“家具裝飾”這樣的節目，還有“黃金女郎”的重播）和電影（“好家伙”到“清秀佳人”），然后按暫停鍵，試著模仿不同角色說話。我還會去圖書館看報刊雜志和各種書籍——任何能提高寫作能力的讀物都看。我的高中英語老師——凱斯則讓我接觸到了記者這一行當。當我第一次為學生報紙撰稿時，我告訴自己，能在出版物上署名——用英語寫文章，還采訪美國人——可以讓我在這里的存在變得合法起來。


The debates over “illegal aliens” intensified my anxieties. In 1994, only a year after my flight from the Philippines, Gov. Pete Wilson was re-elected in part because of his support for Proposition 187, which prohibited undocumented immigrants from attending public school and accessing other services. (A federal court later found the law unconstitutional.) After my encounter at the D.M.V. in 1997, I grew more aware of anti-immigrant sentiments and stereotypes: they don’t want to assimilate, they are a drain on society. They’re not talking about me, I would tell myself. I have something to contribute.
關于“非法外國移民”的辯論加劇了我的擔憂。1994年，也就是我從菲律賓到美國后剛過一年，皮特威爾遜就因公開支持187提案而被重選入黨，該提案禁止非法移民去公共學校上學，其他一些權益也同被禁止。（一聯邦法院后來發現該提案不符合憲法。）在1997年DMV的駕照事件后，我更加認識到了所謂的反移民情緒和觀念：那些移民不想被同化，他們只是社會負累。但我告訴自己，這不是在說我。我是（可以對社會）有貢獻的人。


To do that, I had to work — and for that, I needed a Social Security number. Fortunately, my grandfather had already managed to get one for me. Lolo had always taken care of everyone in the family. He and my grandmother emigrated legally in 1984 from Zambales, a province in the Philippines of rice fields and bamboo houses­, following Lolo’s sister, who married a Filipino-American serving in the American military. She petitioned for her brother and his wife to join her. When they got here, Lolo petitioned for his two children — my mother and her younger brother — to follow them. But instead of mentioning that my mother was a married woman, he listed her as single. Legal residents can’t petition for their married children. Besides, Lolo didn’t care for my father. He didn’t want him coming here too.
要做到這點，我必須工作——為此，我需要一個社保號。幸運的是，我爺爺已經幫我弄到了一個。他總是在照顧著家里的每一個人。他和奶奶是1984年跟著他的姐姐從菲律賓的贊布勒省，這個盛產大米和竹屋的地方合法移民到美國來的。爺爺的姐姐當時嫁給了一個菲裔美國軍人。她為自己的弟弟和弟媳申請親屬移民。當他們到美國后，爺爺又申請讓他的兩個孩子——我母親和她弟弟——也過來。但當時爺爺填表時沒有寫母親已婚，而是填了單身。因為居民不得為已婚子女申請親屬移民。另外，爺爺并不管我父親，不想讓他也跟過來。


But soon Lolo grew nervous that the immigration authorities reviewing the petition would discover my mother was married, thus derailing not only her chances of coming here but those of my uncle as well. So he withdrew her petition. After my uncle came to America legally in 1991, Lolo tried to get my mother here through a tourist visa, but she wasn’t able to obtain one. That’s when she decided to send me. My mother told me later that she figured she would follow me soon. She never did.
但是不久，爺爺開始擔心移民局審查申請時會發現我母親其實已婚，這不但會毀掉她來美國的機會，連我舅舅也來不成了。因此他退回了申請。舅舅1991年移居美國后，爺爺還試圖通過旅游簽讓母親過來，但還是申請不下來。也就是在那時，母親決定讓我過去。她后來告訴我，她很快也會過來跟我團聚的。但她從沒來過。


The “uncle” who brought me here turned out to be a coyote, not a relative, my grandfather later explained. Lolo scraped together enough money — I eventually learned it was $4,500, a huge sum for him — to pay him to smuggle me here under a fake name and fake passport. (I never saw the passport again after the flight and have always assumed that the coyote kept it.) After I arrived in America, Lolo obtained a new fake Filipino passport, in my real name this time, adorned with a fake student visa, in addition to the fraudulent green card.
把我帶過來的那位“叔叔”其實是人蛇，不是我親戚。這是爺爺后來才跟我講的。他攢夠了錢——我最后才知道是4千5百刀，對他來說是很大一筆數目了——就交給了那個人，請他把我偷渡到美國來，用假的姓名，假的護照。（下飛機后我就再沒見過那本護照，我一直認為是那個人蛇扣下了。）到美國后，爺爺幫我弄了一個新的假菲裔護照，這次是用我的真名，同時還有一個假的學生簽證，及偽造的綠卡。


Using the fake passport, we went to the local Social Security Administration office and applied for a Social Security number and card. It was, I remember, a quick visit. When the card came in the mail, it had my full, real name, but it also clearly stated: “Valid for work only with I.N.S. authorization.”
我們用假的護照，到當地社保局申請社保號和社保卡。我還記得，我們當時進出很迅速。社保卡是郵寄過來的，上邊有我真實的全名，但也清楚的寫著：“僅在移民局授權許可后，方可工作。”


When I began looking for work, a short time after the D.M.V. incident, my grandfather and I took the Social Security card to Kinko’s, wher he covered the “I.N.S. authorization” text with a sliver of white tape. We then made photocopies of the card. At a glance, at least, the copies would look like copies of a regular, unrestricted Social Security card.
DMV駕照事件后我開始找工作，爺爺和我帶著社保卡去找金科他們家，金科會用一種銀白色膠條把卡上的“移民局授權許可”字樣遮蓋掉。然后影印副本。咋一看，副本跟一般的非限制社保卡差不多。


Lolo always imagined I would work the kind of low-paying jobs that undocumented people often take. (once I married an American, he said, I would get my real papers, and everything would be fine.) But even menial jobs require documents, so he and I hoped the doctored card would work for now. The more documents I had, he said, the better.
爺爺一直覺得我會像其他非法移民一樣從事低薪工作。（他說，只要我一結婚，就可以獲得真證件，一切就都會好起來。）但即使是當雜役也需要證件，所以他和我當時只能寄希望于那個改動過的社保卡能有用。他說，我的證件越多越好。


While in high school, I worked part time at Subway, then at the front desk of the local Y.M.C.A., then at a tennis club, until I landed an unpaid internship at The Mountain View Voice, my hometown newspaper. First I brought coffee and helped around the office; eventually I began covering city-hall meetings and other assignments for pay.
我在上高中時便開始打工，先在地鐵里，然后當地YMCA（基督教青年會,當年就是這個協會發明了現代排球）前臺，網球俱樂部，直到我在家鄉的報社，山景之音，找到一份無薪實習。一開始我只是幫人買咖啡，打打下手，后來我開始負責報道市政廳的會議和其他有薪酬的工作。


For more than a decade of getting part-time and full-time jobs, employers have rarely asked to check my original Social Security card. When they did, I showed the photocopied version, which they accepted. Over time, I also began checking the citizenship box on my federal I-9 employment eligibility forms. (Claiming full citizenship was actually easier than declaring permanent resident “green card” status, which would have required me to provide an alien registration number.)
因為有10年多的兼職和全職工作經歷，雇主一般不會要求檢查我的社保卡。他們要查時，我就給他們看影印本，也能過關。另外，我也開始檢查我的1-9號雇傭資格審核表的公民權益一欄（聲稱自己有完全公民權，就不用再提交外國人登記號了，這比說自己有永久居住“綠卡”還要方便。）


This deceit never got easier. The more I did it, the more I felt like an impostor, the more guilt I carried — and the more I worried that I would get caught. But I kept doing it. I needed to live and survive on my own, and I decided this was the way.
這種欺詐再簡單不過。我做的越多，越覺得自己像騙子，越覺得內疚——也越擔心會被抓住。但我還是繼續這么做，我需要生活，要靠自己生存下去，只能決定這么干了。


Mountain View High School became my second home. I was elected to represent my school at school-board meetings, which gave me the chance to meet and befriend Rich Fischer, the superintendent for our school district. I joined the speech and debate team, acted in school plays and eventually became co-editor of The Oracle, the student newspaper. That drew the attention of my principal, Pat Hyland. “You’re at school just as much as I am,” she told me. Pat and Rich would soon become mentors, and over time, almost surrogate parents for me.
山景高中成了我的第二個家。我被選為學校代表，參加校董會，這讓我結識了我們校區的院長理查費舍爾。我參加了演講組和辯論隊，在學校表演話劇，最后還成為學生報紙，The Oracle的聯合編輯。這引起了校長派特海蘭德的關注，“你在學校的時間幾乎跟我一樣多，”她對我說。派特和理查很快成了我的導師，課余時間更幾乎是我的代理父母。


After a choir rehearsal during my junior year, Jill Denny, the choir director, told me she was considering a Japan trip for our singing group. I told her I couldn’t afford it, but she said we’d figure out a way. I hesitated, and then decided to tell her the truth. “It’s not really the money,” I remember saying. “I don’t have the right passport.” When she assured me we’d get the proper documents, I finally told her. “I can’t get the right passport,” I said. “I’m not supposed to be here.”
高一時，合唱團團長吉爾丹尼告訴我，正考慮在彩排結束后帶我們去日本演出。我說我沒錢去，但她說她會想辦法。我猶豫了，然后決定告訴她真相。“其實不是錢的問題，”我還記得是這么說的，“我沒有有效護照。”當她向我保證會取得有效證件時，我終于忍不住告訴她，“我拿不到有效護照，”我說，“我根本就不應該在這里。”


She understood. So the choir toured Hawaii instead, with me in tow. (Mrs. Denny and I spoke a couple of months ago, and she told me she hadn’t wanted to leave any student behind.)
她明白了。于是合唱團改道去了夏威夷，我也隨隊出行。（丹尼女士和我幾個月前談過，她說她不想讓任何一個學生掉隊。）


Later that school year, my history class watched a documentary on Harvey Milk, the openly gay San Francisco city official who was assassinated. This was 1999, just six months after Matthew Shepard’s body was found tied to a fence in Wyoming. During the discussion, I raised my hand and said something like: “I’m sorry Harvey Milk got killed for being gay. . . . I’ve been meaning to say this. . . . I’m gay.”
后來，在同一年，我們在歷史課上觀看了哈維米爾克的紀錄片，他是一名公開同志身份的舊金山市政廳公務員，于1999年被暗殺。事情就發生在馬修謝巴德的尸體被發現的半年后，當時馬修被捆綁在懷俄明某處的籬笆上。在課堂討論時，我舉手說了如下的話：“哈維被殺僅是因為他是同志，我為此感到難過……我想說的是……我是同志。”


I hadn’t planned on coming out that morning, though I had known that I was gay for several years. With that announcement, I became the only openly gay student at school, and it caused turmoil with my grandparents. Lolo kicked me out of the house for a few weeks. Though we eventually reconciled, I had disappointed him on two fronts. First, as a Catholic, he considered homosexuality a sin and was embarrassed about having “ang apo na bakla” (“a grandson who is gay”). Even worse, I was making matters more difficult for myself, he said. I needed to marry an American woman in order to gain a green card.
我并沒想到要在那天早上出柜，盡管我早已知道自己是同志。那以后，我成了學校了唯一公開身份的同志，這也給爺爺帶來了困擾。爺爺把我趕出家門長達幾周。盡管最終我們和好，但我在兩件事情上還是讓他失望了。第一件就是，作為天主教教徒，同性戀是有罪的，“孫子是同志”是件不光彩的事。他還說，更糟的是，我把自己的處境變得更難了，我是需要與一名美國女人結婚才能獲得綠卡的。


Tough as it was, coming out about being gay seemed less daunting than coming out about my legal status. I kept my other secret mostly hidden.
盡管如此，承認自己的同志身份似乎比承認自己的法律身份要容易一點。我把另外這個秘密深藏起來。


While my classmates awaited their college acceptance letters, I hoped to get a full-time job at The Mountain View Voice after graduation. It’s not that I didn’t want to go to college, but I couldn’t apply for state and federal financial aid. Without that, my family couldn’t afford to send me.
當同學們在等大學通知書時，我在期盼著畢業后能在"山景之音"全職工作。不是我不想上大學，是我沒法申請國家或州政府的財務補助。沒有補助，家里供不起我上大學。


But when I finally told Pat and Rich about my immigration “problem” — as we called it from then on — they helped me look for a solution. At first, they even wondered if one of them could adopt me and fix the situation that way, but a lawyer Rich consulted told him it wouldn’t change my legal status because I was too old. Eventually they connected me to a new scholarship fund for high-potential students who were usually the first in their families to attend college. Most important, the fund was not concerned with immigration status. I was among the first recipients, with the scholarship covering tuition, lodging, books and other expenses for my studies at San Francisco State University.
但當我最終向派特和理查坦承我的移民“問題”后——我們之后都用“問題”這兩個字——他們一起幫我找解決辦法。起初，他們甚至想通過領養我來改變情況，但律師告訴理查，這樣改變不了我的法律身份，因為我年紀太大。最后，他們幫我聯系到一家新成立的獎學金基金，該基金旨在幫助那些家庭里第一個上大學的有天賦的學生。最重要的是，這個獎學金是不考慮移民身份問題的。我成了該基金的首批獲益者之一，它幫我支付了舊金山國立大學的學費，住宿費，書本和其他開銷。


As a college freshman, I found a job working part time at The San Francisco Chronicle, wher I sorted mail and wrote some freelance articles. My ambition was to get a reporting job, so I embarked on a series of internships. First I landed at The Philadelphia Daily News, in the summer of 2001, wher I covered a drive-by shooting and the wedding of the 76ers star Allen Iverson. Using those articles, I applied to The Seattle Times and got an internship for the following summer.
大學第一年，我在《舊金山記事》雜志社找到一份兼職工作，幫人分發郵件，順帶寫些文章。我的目標是成為報道記者，因此我做過許多實習工作。首先是在費城日報，那是2001年夏天，我報道了一起飛車槍擊案，還有76人隊的明星球員亞倫艾弗森的婚禮。憑著這些文章，我那年夏天又繼續申請到《西雅圖時代》實習。


But then my lack of proper documents became a problem again. The Times’s recruiter, Pat Foote, asked all incoming interns to bring certain paperwork on their first day: a birth certificate, or a passport, or a driver’s license plus an original Social Security card. I panicked, thinking my documents wouldn’t pass muster. So before starting the job, I called Pat and told her about my legal status. After consulting with management, she called me back with the answer I feared: I couldn’t do the internship.
但我的證件問題又出現了。《西雅圖時代》的招聘人員福特，讓所有實習生在進公司第一天就要帶齊相關證件：出生證明，或護照，或駕照以及社保卡原件。我害怕了，想到我的證件這回是過不了關了。于是在工作開始前，我給福特打了個電話，告訴她我的法律身法。在咨詢過管理層后，她給我回了電話，她的回復也是我所害怕那個：我不能進去實習。


This was devastating. What good was college if I couldn’t then pursue the career I wanted? I decided then that if I was to succeed in a profession that is all about truth-telling, I couldn’t tell the truth about myself.
這真是災難啊。如果我沒法獲得我想要的工作，那上大學有什么用呢？于是我決定，如果我要在這個說真話的行當里成功，我就不能說出關于自己的真話。


After this episode, Jim Strand, the venture capitalist who sponsored my scholarship, offered to pay for an immigration lawyer. Rich and I went to meet her in San Francisco’s financial district.
在這段插曲之后，吉姆斯特蘭德，支付我的獎學金的風投投資人為我請了一名移民律師。理查和我一起在舊金山的財務區與她會面。


I was hopeful. This was in early 2002, shortly after Senators Orrin Hatch, the Utah Republican, and Dick Durbin, the Illinois Democrat, introduced the Dream Act — Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors. It seemed like the legislative version of what I’d told myself: If I work hard and contribute, things will work out.
我重新燃起了希望。那是2002年初，猶他州共和黨員，也是國會議員的奧林哈切，和伊利諾伊州民主黨員迪克德賓剛剛提出了夢想法案——關于外籍少數族群的發展，解禁和教育。該法案就像是為我量身定做的。如果我努力工作，有所貢獻，就一定能成功。


But the meeting left me crushed. My only solution, the lawyer said, was to go back to the Philippines and accept a 10-year ban before I could apply to return legally.
但那次會面讓我崩潰了。律師說，我唯一的解決辦法就是返回菲律賓，而且要在10年禁期后才能重新申請回美國。


If Rich was discouraged, he hid it well. “Put this problem on a shelf,” he told me. “Compartmentalize it. Keep going.”
如果理查當時也被打擊到了的話，那他掩藏的很好。他對我說“把這問題先擱置一邊，不管它，繼續走下去。”

And I did. For the summer of 2003, I applied for internships across the country. Several newspapers, including The Wall Street Journal, The Boston Globe and The Chicago Tribune, expressed interest. But when The Washington Post offered me a spot, I knew wher I would go. And this time, I had no intention of acknowledging my “problem.”
我照做了。2003年的夏天，我找遍全美國的實習機會。其中有一些報社，包括華爾街日報，波斯頓全球報和芝加哥論壇報都對我表示了興趣。但當華盛頓郵報向我伸出橄欖枝時，我知道我該去哪了。這一次，我不打算坦白我的“問題”。


The Post internship posed a tricky obstacle: It required a driver’s license. (After my close call at the California D.M.V., I’d never gotten one.) So I spent an afternoon at The Mountain View Public Library, studying various states’ requirements. Oregon was among the most welcoming — and it was just a few hours’ drive north.
郵報的實習其實也有一個不小的障礙：它要求有駕照。（我給芝加哥DMV打過電話，他們說我是拿不到駕照的。）于是我花了一下午時間，在山景公共圖書館研究各州法規。發現俄勒岡州是最開放的——而且離這僅幾個小時的車程。


Again, my support network came through. A friend’s father lived in Portland, and he allowed me to use his address as proof of residency. Pat, Rich and Rich’s longtime assistant, Mary Moore, sent letters to me at that address. Rich taught me how to do three-point turns in a parking lot, and a friend accompanied me to Portland.
我背后的支持網又一次發揮了作用。一個朋友的父親住在波特蘭，答應讓我用他的住址做居住證明。派特，理查和理查的長期助理瑪麗摩爾，用那個地址給我寄信。理查還教我停進車位三要點，還有一個朋友陪我去了波特蘭。


The license meant everything to me — it would let me drive, fly and work. But my grandparents worried about the Portland trip and the Washington internship. While Lola offered daily prayers so that I would not get caught, Lolo told me that I was dreaming too big, risking too much.
駕照就是我的一切——它讓我可以開車，搭飛機和工作。但爺爺對我去波特蘭和到華盛頓實習表示擔心。奶奶則每天為我祈禱，希望我不要被抓住。爺爺說我夢想得到的太多，風險太大了。


I was determined to pursue my ambitions. I was 22, I told them, responsible for my own actions. But this was different from Lolo’s driving a confused teenager to Kinko’s. I knew what I was doing now, and I knew it wasn’t right. But what was I supposed to do?
而我已經下定決心去實現理想。我當時22歲，我告訴他們，我可以自己對自己負責。但這跟過去爺爺把懵懂的我，開車送到金科家是兩回事。我知道我在做什么，我知道它不對，但我還能怎么辦呢？


I was paying state and federal taxes, but I was using an invalid Social Security card and writing false information on my employment forms. But that seemed better than depending on my grandparents or on Pat, Rich and Jim — or returning to a country I barely remembered. I convinced myself all would be O.K. if I lived up to the qualities of a “citizen”: hard work, self-reliance, love of my country.
我繳納國家和州的稅款，但我用的非法社保卡，雇傭卡上的信息也是假的。可是，這也比依靠爺爺奶奶，或派特，理查和吉姆，——或回到一個我已經記不清的國家——要好的多。我對自己說，只要努力成為一個合格的“公民”：努力工作，自食其力，熱愛國家，那么一切都會OK的。


At the D.M.V. in Portland, I arrived with my photocopied Social Security card, my college I.D., a pay stub from The San Francisco Chronicle and my proof of state residence — the letters to the Portland address that my support network had sent. It worked. My license, issued in 2003, was set to expire eight years later, on my 30th birthday, on Feb. 3, 2011. I had eight years to succeed professionally, and to hope that some sort of immigration reform would pass in the meantime and allow me to stay.
我帶著影印的社保卡，大學證，《舊金山記事》的工資卡，以及居住證明——寄往我在波特蘭的假地址的那些信件，到了波特蘭的DMV。成功了。我的駕照，2003年簽發，8年后也就是2011年2月3日我30歲生日時到期。我有8年事件干事業，并期待著這期間移民法能進行某些改革，讓我得以繼續留下來。


It seemed like all the time in the world.
當時，感覺就像得到了全世界。


My summer in Washington was exhilarating. I was intimidated to be in a major newsroom but was assigned a mentor — Peter Perl, a veteran magazine writer — to help me navigate it. A few weeks into the internship, he printed out one of my articles, about a guy who recovered a long-lost wallet, circled the first two paragraphs and left it on my desk. “Great eye for details — awesome!” he wrote. Though I didn’t know it then, Peter would become one more member of my network.
在華盛頓的那個夏天是激動人心的。我被迫坐到一間大的新聞室里，但也有了一名導師——皮特，一名資深的雜志作家——來指導我的操作。在實習的幾周里，他打印過我寫的一篇失主找回丟失已久的錢包的報道，圈起了前兩段并放在我的桌子上。他在上邊寫到“細節精準——太棒了！”當時我并不知道，皮特也會成為我關系網中的一員。


At the end of the summer, I returned to The San Francisco Chronicle. My plan was to finish school — I was now a senior — while I worked for The Chronicle as a reporter for the city desk. But when The Post beckoned again, offering me a full-time, two-year paid internship that I could start when I graduated in June 2004, it was too tempting to pass up. I moved back to Washington.
夏天結束時，我回到了《舊金山紀事》。我打算一邊完成學業——我已經上大四了——一邊在《舊金山紀事》做地方新聞記者。而郵報再次向召我回去，他們給我提供了一份全職的，2年帶薪實習工作，而且可以等我2004年畢業后才開始。這是一次不容錯過的機會，我于是搬回了華盛頓。


about four months into my job as a reporter for The Post, I began feeling increasingly paranoid, as if I had “illegal immigrant” tattooed on my forehead — and in Washington, of all places, wher the debates over immigration seemed never-ending. I was so eager to prove myself that I feared I was annoying some colleagues and editors — and worried that any one of these professional journalists could discover my secret. The anxiety was nearly paralyzing. I decided I had to tell one of the higher-ups about my situation. I turned to Peter.
在郵報工作的前四個月，我開始變得多疑，仿佛“非法移民”這幾個字就刺在我的額頭上——而在所有地方中，華盛頓的關于移民的討論最為激烈，似乎是永無休止。我是如此渴望證明自己，以至于可能引起了一些同事和編輯的不滿——因此擔心這些專業記者會抓住我的秘密。這種擔心幾乎讓我無法工作，我決定向某一位上級坦白。我找到了皮特。


By this time, Peter, who still works at The Post, had become part of management as the paper’s director of newsroom training and professional development. One afternoon in late October, we walked a couple of blocks to Lafayette Square, across from the White House. Over some 20 minutes, sitting on a bench, I told him everything: the Social Security card, the driver’s license, Pat and Rich, my family.
此時，皮特還在郵報工作，他已經位居管理層，作為報社總監負責新聞室的培訓及職業發展。在10月的一個下午，我們一起步行至拉菲特廣場，途徑白宮。我們坐在長椅上，大約過了20分鐘，我將一切告訴了他：社保卡，駕照，派特和理查，還有我的家庭。


Peter was shocked. “I understand you 100 times better now,” he said. He told me that I had done the right thing by telling him, and that it was now our shared problem. He said he didn’t want to do anything about it just yet. I had just been hired, he said, and I needed to prove myself. “When you’ve done enough,” he said, “we’ll tell Don and Len together.” (Don Graham is the chairman of The Washington Post Company; Leonard Downie Jr. was then the paper’s executive editor.) A month later, I spent my first Thanksgiving in Washington with Peter and his family.
皮特很震驚，他說“我現在更理解你了。”他告訴我把事情告訴他是對的，那成了我們之間共同分擔的問題。他說他還不想對此做任何處理，畢竟我剛被聘用，需要證明自己。“當你做得足夠好時，”他繼續說，“我會一并告訴丹和里恩的。”（丹是華盛頓郵報公司的主席，里恩是報社的執行編輯。）一個月后，我與皮特及其家人度過了我在華盛頓的第一個感恩節。


In the five years that followed, I did my best to “do enough.” I was promoted to staff writer, reported on video-game culture, wrote a series on Washington’s H.I.V./AIDS epidemic and covered the role of technology and social media in the 2008 presidential race. I visited the White House, wher I interviewed senior aides and covered a state dinner — and gave the Secret Service the Social Security number I obtained with false documents.
在接下來的5年里，我盡可能的做到“足夠好。”我被提升為特派記者，報道視頻游戲文化，撰寫華盛頓的H.I.V./AIDS疫情的系列報道，和2008年總統大選時的科技與社會媒體的角色相關文章。我還進白宮采訪了高級幕僚，并報道了國宴——我給美國特工處出示的社保號，還是我用偽證件拿到的。


I did my best to steer clear of reporting on immigration policy but couldn’t always avoid it. On two occasions, I wrote about Hillary Clinton’s position on driver’s licenses for undocumented immigrants. I also wrote an article about Senator Mel Martinez of Florida, then the chairman of the Republican National Committee, who was defending his party’s stance toward Latinos after only one Republican presidential candidate — John McCain, the co-author of a failed immigration bill — agreed to participate in a debate sponsored by Univision, the Spanish-language network.
我盡量避免涉及移民政策的報道，但總有躲不過的時候。這種時候有兩次，一次是報道希拉里在非法移民的駕照問題上的態度立場。還有一次是關于佛羅里達州議員梅爾馬蒂內茲，也就是后來的共和黨主席，他當時在為共和黨關于拉美裔族群的立場進行辯護。辯護對象是民主黨主席候選人——約翰麥凱恩，也就是被廢除的移民法案的聯合作者——當時他同意參加的這場辯論是由美國西班牙語電視網發起的。


It was an odd sort of dance: I was trying to stand out in a highly competitive newsroom, yet I was terrified that if I stood out too much, I’d invite unwanted scrutiny. I tried to compartmentalize my fears, distract myself by reporting on the lives of other people, but there was no escaping the central conflict in my life. Maintaining a deception for so long distorts your sense of self. You start wondering who you’ve become, and why.
這很古怪：我一方面在競爭激烈的新聞室竭力突顯自己，又擔心太招搖而招致不必要的關注。我試著擱置恐懼，通過報道他人的生活來轉移自己的注意力，但始終逃脫不掉我生活中的核心矛盾。持續的自我欺騙會扭曲你對自我的認知。你開始困惑自己變成了誰，為什么。


In April 2008, I was part of a Post team that won a Pulitzer Prize for the paper’s coverage of the Virginia Tech shootings a year earlier. Lolo died a year earlier, so it was Lola who called me the day of the announcement. The first thing she said was, “Anong mangyayari kung malaman ng mga tao?”
2008年，我作為報道一年前的弗吉尼亞槍擊事件的郵報團隊一員，獲得了普利策獎。爺爺一年前去世了，所以是奶奶在獲獎公布的那天給我打的電話。她說的第一件事就是，“Anong mangyayari kung malaman ng mga tao?”


What will happen if people find out?
“人們要是發現了怎么辦？”


I couldn’t say anything. After we got off the phone, I rushed to the bathroom on the fourth floor of the newsroom, sat down on the toilet and cried.
我說不出話來。放下電話后，我沖進四樓新聞室的廁所，坐在地板上哭。


In the summer of 2009, without ever having had that follow-up talk with top Post management, I left the paper and moved to New York to join The Huffington Post. I met Arianna Huffington at a Washington Press Club Foundation dinner I was covering for The Post two years earlier, and she later recruited me to join her news site. I wanted to learn more about Web publishing, and I thought the new job would provide a useful education.
2009年夏天，我還沒與郵報領導談過便離開了報社，搬到紐約加入了赫芬頓郵報（互聯網第一大報）。兩年前，我在華盛頓新聞俱樂部基金晚宴上做報道時遇見了阿里安娜赫芬頓，她邀請我加入她的新網站。我想學到更多網絡媒體的知識，于是我想換一份新工作給自己一個學習的機會。


Still, I was apprehensive about the move: many companies were already using E-Verify, a program set up by the Department of Homeland Security that checks if prospective employees are eligible to work, and I didn’t know if my new employer was among them. But I’d been able to get jobs in other newsrooms, I figured, so I filled out the paperwork as usual and succeeded in landing on the payroll.
同樣，我對這一行動還是很擔憂：許多公司已經開始采用國土安全部開發的E-Verify系統，用于審查擬招聘員工是否有工作資格。我不知道我的新公司是不是也使用這一系統。但我想如果不行的話我還可以去別的報社，所以我填寫了表格，然后成功地進入了公司。


While I worked at The Huffington Post, other opportunities emerged. My H.I.V./AIDS series became a documentary film called “The Other City,” which opened at the Tribeca Film Festival last year and was broadcast on Showtime. I began writing for magazines and landed a dream assignment: profiling Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg for The New Yorker.
我在赫芬頓郵報工作期間，其他機會悄然而至。我之前關于H.I.V./AIDS 的系列報道被改編成紀錄片“另一座城”，上一年在翠貝卡電影節放映后還被Showtime節目報道過。我開始為雜志撰稿，并夢想著下一個目標：在《紐約客》上撰寫Facebook的馬克扎克伯格。


The more I achieved, the more scared and depressed I became. I was proud of my work, but there was always a cloud hanging over it, over me. My old eight-year deadline — the expiration of my Oregon driver’s license — was approaching.
我獲得的越多，就越害怕越壓抑。我為我的工作感到驕傲，但頭頂上的烏云卻一直縈繞不散。我的8年期限——俄勒岡駕照到期日——也正在逼近。


After slightly less than a year, I decided to leave The Huffington Post. In part, this was because I wanted to promote the documentary and write a book about online culture — or so I told my friends. But the real reason was, after so many years of trying to be a part of the system, of focusing all my energy on my professional life, I learned that no amount of professional success would solve my problem or ease the sense of loss and displacement I felt. I lied to a friend about why I couldn’t take a weekend trip to Mexico. Another time I concocted an excuse for why I couldn’t go on an all-expenses-paid trip to Switzerland. I have been unwilling, for years, to be in a long-term relationship because I never wanted anyone to get too close and ask too many questions. All the while, Lola’s question was stuck in my head: What will happen if people find out?
在赫芬頓郵報工作近一年后我決定離開。因為我想宣傳一下自己的紀錄片，寫一本關于網絡文化的書——至少我是這么跟朋友們解釋的。但真正的原因是，經過這么多年努力的融入體制，集中所有能量進行專業工作，我發現無論事業多成功都不能解決我的問題，或減少我的失落和迷失感。我騙朋友說我周末去不了墨西哥了。連可以全程報銷的瑞士之旅，我都編造借口說去不了。多年來，我都不愿與別人建立長期關系，因為我不希望任何人跟我走太近，問太多。奶奶的問題一直扎在我腦里：被別人發現了怎么辦？


Early this year, just two weeks before my 30th birthday, I won a small reprieve: I obtained a driver’s license in the state of Washington. The license is valid until 2016. This offered me five more years of acceptable identification — but also five more years of fear, of lying to people I respect and institutions that trusted me, of running away from who I am.
今年早些時候，在我30歲生日兩周前，我獲得一次“緩刑”：我取得了華盛頓的駕照，到期日是2016。這讓我的那能被社會接受的身份又可以多活5年——但也將是充滿恐懼的5年，充滿對我所尊敬和信任我的人的欺騙的5年，一個逃避自我的5年。


I’m done running. I’m exhausted. I don’t want that life anymore.
我受夠了逃避。我好累。我不想再過那種生活了。


So I’ve decided to come forward, own up to what I’ve done, and tell my story to the best of my recollection. I’ve reached out to former bosses­ and employers and apologized for misleading them — a mix of humiliation and liberation coming with each disclosure. All the people mentioned in this article gave me permission to use their names. I’ve also talked to family and friends about my situation and am working with legal counsel to review my options. I don’t know what the consequences will be of telling my story.
所以我決定站出來，說出我所做的一切，盡可能詳盡的記述自己的故事。我已經找前老板和前雇主們談過，為欺瞞誤導他們道歉——每一次坦白都交織著羞愧和解脫。我在此文中提到的所有人，都同意我使用的他們的真名。我還把自己的情況告訴給家人和朋友，并正在與法律顧問討論我的選擇權限。我并不知道將自己的故事說出來的后果會是什么。


I do know that I am grateful to my grandparents, my Lolo and Lola, for giving me the chance for a better life. I’m also grateful to my other family — the support network I found here in America — for encouraging me to pursue my dreams.
我只知道，我很感激我的爺爺奶奶，他們給了我一個獲得更好的生活的機會。我同樣感激我的其他家人——我在美國找到的支持我的人——是他們鼓勵我追求夢想。


It’s been almost 18 years since I’ve seen my mother. Early on, I was mad at her for putting me in this position, and then mad at myself for being angry and ungrateful. By the time I got to college, we rarely spoke by phone. It became too painful; after a while it was easier to just send money to help support her and my two half-siblings. My sister, almost 2 years old when I left, is almost 20 now. I’ve never met my 14-year-old brother. I would love to see them.
我已經18年沒見過我的母親了。原本我還在氣她把我置于如此境地，但過后又為自己動怒和不知感恩而后悔。在上大學前，我們幾乎不通電話。因為那太痛苦了。我發現只是寄錢回去資助她和我的兩個同母異父的弟妹，對我來說更容易做到。我的妹妹，我離開的時候不到兩歲，現在已經快20了。我從沒見過我14歲的弟弟。我很想見到他們。


Not long ago, I called my mother. I wanted to fill the gaps in my memory about that August morning so many years ago. We had never discussed it. Part of me wanted to shove the memory aside, but to write this article and face the facts of my life, I needed more details. Did I cry? Did she? Did we kiss goodbye?
不久前，我給我母親打了電話。我想找回多年前那個8月的早晨的記憶空缺。我們從沒談過此事。我既想把這段記憶刪除，又想把它寫進此文中，以直面我的人生，我需要更多細節。我當時哭了嗎？她哭了嗎？我們有沒有吻別？


My mother told me I was excited about meeting a stewardess, about getting on a plane. She also reminded me of the one piece of advice she gave me for blending in: If anyone asked why I was coming to America, I should say I was going to Disneyland.
我母親告訴我，我當時很高興，因為能上飛機，還能見著空姐。她還提醒我她當時教我融入當地一個方法：如果有人問我為什么來美國，我就說是奔著迪士尼來的。